The Ghanaian Journal

Article By: Megan de BeyerMon,

At the outset, there’s no such thing as the ‘perfect relationship’. A relationship is a mix of two individual people that come together to share all that they are and hope to be. It’s a new entity that needs to be protected, adored, nurtured and explored.

It’s one of the greatest gifts in life and also one of our greatest challenges, which we all have to deal with eventually, and we should realise that it takes work to get it right.

Be here now

We come to a relationship with loads of expectations about how it should be and what we want. We also come with a whole bag of hopes. Hoping that this relationship can make us happier, healthier, wiser or even richer. We also come with our baggage, our wounds and our likes and dislikes.

So first off is this problem. We cloud all the realities with our own set of preconceived ideas. Suddenly, when the honeymoon is over we are left with a reality that we often don’t like.

So first step in any relationship is to be as ‘present’ as possible to what is.

Let go of past judgment and baggage and get rid of worrying about the future. Be with what you have right here and now.

Giving not getting

Most of us expecting ‘my needs to be met’. The best relationships are the ones where each person focuses on what they can give rather than what they can get out of it.

Have fun

My best advice ever: drop the seriousness, drop the rules and the ’shoulds’ and ‘musts’ and simply enjoy each other more. Remember that play and fun and laughter is the best medicine for the soul.

The mundane will always catch up with you… so when you can do something spontaneously. Open a bottle of champagne because its Tuesday; take her to a sexy lingerie shop; have a picnic in your own garden; learn and sing a whole song to your partner; have a dress up theme for your next dinner party; surprise each other; play pictionary…

It’s all new

Just for one day pretend that this is a person you have waited your whole life to meet and be with. Treat your partner with adoration and love with all your heart. Go the extra mile… just for them without expecting anything back. Try seeing them as a ‘new’ person.

Listen… yes, really listen

Stop with your own ideas and that you know best and that you know what’s right. Stop, set time aside, ask compassionate questions and just sit and listen. Hold back on all reactions, all comments, and all advice. At the end of the conversation say: ‘I understand’ or ‘I know you’ll do the exact right thing’ or ‘I love you honey’.

Be more affectionate

Touch more in a non-sexual way. Do exercise together. Spend time in nature. Be sensual by experiencing the sensations of sun, water, sand and all the elements. Massage each other, snuggle a lot and be patient and slowly your old passions will reignite.

Stretch yourself to like the things you’ve come to dislike about your partner. Even for a day or better still a whole weekend. Say to yourself… let me try seeing this from another perspective… let me be happy with my partner just the way he/she is.

Be romantic

Romance comes alive when our imagination does. Reconnect to your dreams and memories about your partner. Become sentimental and re-read love notes and pull out your old pictures and talk about the fun you have had. Indulge in keeping a ‘relationship’ scrapbook and add little quotes and mementos.

Offer new suggestions and ideas for together time. Write notes to each other, buy silly gifts, make up new cute nicknames for each other.

We are all toddlers sometimes

In a relationship we are often no different to a toddler… we need loads of attention, unlimited acceptance, space to explore. I know it takes a saint to give this all the time… but when all else fails give more attention acceptance and space to your partner… once a week would be excellent.

Look for the best in the other

The longest and most successful marriages are those couples who are best friends. This involves compatibility, respect and trust. It’s the 30-year plus partners who advise us to go slow and steady and committed through life together.

You came together for a reason. Realising that there’s a higher purpose for all relationships is the most important perception change. Relationships always teach us something about ourselves and if we brave enough to face the truth they can help us grow, stretch and discover new possibilities.

Jung said relationships are the most important spiritual challenge. Our unconscious often does the choosing! Our unconscious knows what we need to help us along our journey to completeness. Celebrate this, it’s precious.