FIFA rolls out new rules

Article By: Ryan Bubear

Please note that this is satire and should not be taken seriously. All quotes and quoted persons are entirely fictitious.

World football governing body FIFA has announced a new range of restrictions, which will be implemented from the first quarterfinal at Soccer City in Johannesburg on 2 July.

“The Republic of FIFA, which is what South Africa is known as for the duration of the World Cup, has been having far too much fun,” said FIFA spokesperson Jimmy ‘The Mouthpiece’ Leggio. “Only fun that leads to FIFA profit is fun for FIFA”.

The South African Weather Service has been sent into a spin with the news that FIFA will fine the forecasters should the climate at the remaining games not be conducive to the spread and development of scantily-clad female supporters. FIFA’s theory is that the more bikinis there are in the stands, the higher the television ratings.

“Since Mr [Sepp] Blatter contacted us about changing the weather, we’ve been researching a number of possible solutions. So far we’ve just come up with focusing a giant magnifying glass on the stadium and using a massive fan to blow clouds away,” said weather spokesperson Gail Fours gloomily.

Meanwhile, in an apparent bid to discourage sexual activity in fan parks around the country, FIFA will reportedly be distributing condoms adorned with the face of Sepp ‘Itchy Fingers’ Blatter. A glimpse of Blatter’s countenance is said to put off even the most amorous of couples.

FIFA, which maintains that lovemaking can always wait at least 90 minutes, plans to include the following words on the packaging: “We don’t have sex in FIFA Fan Parks. And remember, I’m watching you”. The football organisation tested out its libido-puncturing technique on a pair of overly-affectionate Brazilians with positive results.

The vuvuzela does not seem to have escaped FIFA’s enthusiastic new regulations either, with the news that fans bringing the controversial horn into stadiums will require a special spit filter, which prevents spittle splatter onto surrounding supporters. These ‘saliva strainers’ will be available from FIFA-accredited dealers before the games or at the gates, at the reasonable price of R599.95.

Fans wearing branded shoes which clash with the footwear sponsors of the event will receive special attention from the FIFA Feet Police. Offenders will be forced to wear a dunce’s hat and don disposable shoe covers emblazoned with the relevant sponsor’s logo.

An unnamed official at one of the special World Cup courts says that sentences for those violating the more serious new laws will range from anything from hard labour to cutting Blatter’s rock-hard toenails.