Bear the grudge for love

Article By: Rozane Mannel

The saying “forgive and forget” might work for some couples, but new research suggests that a spouse who has offended will think twice about doing it again if their better half takes a little longer to forgive.

Spouses should act more like Sandra Bullock and kick their spouse to the curb than like Hillary Clinton who forgave former US president Bill Clinton for the public humiliation he caused her with his extra-marital affair, according to a study conducted by James McNulty, a psychologist at the University of Tennessee.

Those spouses that hand out forgiveness too easily are more likely to find themselves doing so on numerous occasions in the relationship and even face more bad behaviour the next day.

Badly-behaved spouses who remain unforgiven are more likely to behave better if they are given the cold shoulder, in comparison to a spouse who believes they can get away with any indiscretion as long as they ask forgiveness, and they are forgiven.

McNulty followed 135 couples for four years, asking them to fill out individual relationship diaries everyday of the week and to write whether their partner did something that upset them and whether they had forgiven their spouse.

McNulty and a social psychologist Eli Finkel, believe that a person who is inclined to forgive easily can set themselves up to become a doormat later on.

According to the questionnaire husbands complained that 29 percent of the time their wives behaved badly, while women reported that their partner behaved badly 34 percent of the time.

Interestingly, those partners who forgave their spouses easily were twice as likely to complain about the transgression the next day.

Disagreements, nagging and insensitivity were those transgressions which annoyed partners the most, however there were serious ones as well, with nine percent of men and five percent of women reporting psychological abuse, with the exception of one woman who reported sexual coercion by her husband.